Archive for the ‘Lawyer Jokes’ Category
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Lawyers cross examination
Lawyers cross examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded [...] -
LAWYER AND HIS WIFE
LAWYER AND HIS WIFE
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ?You’re beautiful!? and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A [...] -
Engineer And Lawyer
Engineer And Lawyer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts [...] -
catch a thief
catch a thief
The old adage that “It takes a thief to catch a thief” may indeed be true.
But these days there’s a 3rd thief involved pleading the case — the lawyer. -
lawyer’s club
lawyer’s club
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.
The gang was very happy to escape.
“It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted., “We got $25 between us.”
The boss screamed, “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers… we [...] -
lawyer and an honest man
lawyer and an honest man
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The [...] -
darkest jungle in Africa
darkest jungle in Africa
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, “Hey, cut it out, alright.” The other tiger says sorry [...] -
Need a new lawyer
Need a new lawyer
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
5. A prison [...] -
Knowing the facts
Knowing the facts
The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that [...] -
Advice from lawyers
Advice from lawyers
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny’s mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, “Lenny — we are going to have to [...] -
Merry Christmas law
Merry Christmas law
Merry Christmas in Legal Terms
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious [...] -
Learning a lesson
Learning a lesson
A prominent lawyer’s son dreamed of following in his father’s footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father’s firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, [...] -
Demise of a partner
Demise of a partner
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in [...] -
so materialistic
so materialistic
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew [...] -
chosen for jury duty.
chosen for jury duty…..
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if [...] -
brief vacations
brief vacations
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant [...] -
artificial limb
artificial limb
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge [...] -
Where do you think lawyers come from
Where do you think lawyers come from?
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?” She said that she did. He asked, “Does it hurt [...] -
puzzled lawyer
puzzled lawyer
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real [...] -
Satan and lawyers
Satan and lawyers
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as [...]
