• USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK

    Thursday, January 8th, 2009

    USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:
    I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
    I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
    Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point [...]

  • Work for an operator

    Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

    Work for an operator
    The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.
    Caller : I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator : I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to [...]

  • Evaluating employees

    Monday, January 5th, 2009

    Evaluating employees
    RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
    “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
    “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
    “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
    “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t [...]

  • You’re in big trouble

    Friday, January 2nd, 2009

    You’re in big trouble
    I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN…
    …the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
    …the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
    …my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”
    …I got a “It’s for you loser” wav receiving e-mail, & not a [...]

  • MURPHY’S LAWS ON WORK

    Thursday, January 1st, 2009

    MURPHY’S LAWS ON WORK
    A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
    Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
    The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
    You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry [...]

  • Company buzz words

    Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

    Company buzz words
    New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90’s
    Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
    Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
    Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, [...]

  • Have a life after death

    Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

    Have a life after death
    “Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
    “Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied.
    “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you

  • Have incredible dogs

    Monday, December 29th, 2008

    Have incredible dogs
    Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named “T-Square”, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant [...]

  • Application rejections

    Sunday, December 28th, 2008

    Application rejections
    Baxter Conners
    Vice President
    Company 203
    203 Wall St.
    New York, NY 10015
    Dear Mr. Conners,
    Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.
    This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of [...]

  • Want a day off work

    Saturday, December 27th, 2008

    Want a day off work?
    So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 [...]

  • Evaluation comments

    Friday, December 26th, 2008

    Evaluation comments
    Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
    Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
    AVERAGE: Not too bright.
    EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
    ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
    ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
    CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
    UNLIMITED [...]

  • Identifying wasted time

    Thursday, December 25th, 2008

    Identifying wasted time
    TO: ALL PERSONNEL
    FROM: ACCOUNTING
    It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
    Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code [...]

  • The office happenings

    Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008

    The office happenings
    Quote from a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”.
    Quote from the Boss… “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”
    A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until [...]

  • Play the Office Game

    Monday, December 22nd, 2008

    Play the Office Game
    Here’s a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:
    ONE POINT
    Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
    Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
    When they’re not looking, pour most [...]